Friday, August 15, 2014

Why hello again

Well it's surely been an awful long time since the last time I was here.

So much has happened this last year. A little over a year ago, we found out that I was unexpectedly expecting a new little baby to our family. I struggled a lot more with this pregnancy than my past physically and in some ways emotionally. I was a little bit angry that we were having another one so soon. Add to that complete disappointment when we learned I was having our third girl. (Until a couple months later, when I saw a post on ridding your bathroom of little boy smell. Oh the memories it conjured from my childhood with two younger brothers, and oh what joy that I will never have to go through that!) Physically, I am really a mess right now. My children were all born very close together. I was pregnant at each of their first birthdays even. Unfortunately that took a huge toll on my body. I'm trying to stay positive right now even though it can be difficult sometimes. I've had a lot of limits placed on my body due to sacroiliac and pelvic dysfunction, which in turn has made it so that I can't enjoy a lot of activities I used to do. I am working very hard at getting back into my photography again to help fill some of the disappointment that I am not able to ride my horses right now, but I'm also working really hard on getting back to that point.

Four months ago today, I gave my first kisses to the sweetest, most adorable little girl. She has changed my life in so many ways. I'm trying to learn to be patient with my body, which can be difficult as I am sometimes in a great deal of pain and it can be difficult to do even some tasks that should be a breeze. But it is getting better. I'm getting back into my photography and learning new things again- like this last week, I really poured myself into working on black and white conversions. I was getting so tired of it just being boring when I tried a conversion. So I am practicing and they are getting so much better.

I think I am going to start posting about other things too. Not just photos. If I can even update my blog once in a while.

But anyways, I guess it's just teasing if I post about this beautiful baby I have the wonderful privilege of knowing, and these black and white photos I am working on. So here are just a few. And yes, as you can see, Gwen still has her super crazy curly hair. Fortunately she is ok with it being kept short. Addy's hair is the complete opposite. It is so thick and full and straight and TAME. I guess will see how baby Bethany's turns out.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

I Heart Faces- Summer Fun Photo Challenge

This is from the very first week of school break. My friend brought her kids over for pictures before they got bruised and scratched up from camping and roughhousing and other typical summer activities. It was a very fun experience for me, and the first time I took pictures of older kids and toddlers that don't belong to me. We had a blast!!!

This photo was submitted to the I Heart Faces photo challenge –

Photo Challenge Submission

Friday, June 21, 2013

Figuring out how to edit!!!

I met with my friend and her adorable kids to take pictures of them yesterday. And I stayed up ridiculously late trying to figure out new editing tricks.

Don't get me wrong, the pictures were pretty awesome to start off with, but I wanted to figure out how to use layers better. I needed to learn sooner or later anyways, why not super late at night?

I'm pretty happy with the results so far. Here's a really quick before and after.


I used a luminosity mask with a creamy color to brighten it up a little bit. The first picture on it's own doesn't really seem harsh at all, but I feel the mask really softens her face and brightens it up a lot. I'm totally in love with this picture.

Here are a some others that I took:

And lastly, my favorite :)

Monday, June 17, 2013

Revelations on motherhood

I realized today just how amazing my body is. It's a journey that has taken me awhile to reach. And of course, I owe it all to my daughters.

Darling daughter number one was a difficult pregnancy for me and a really difficult labor and delivery. Nothing really wrong ever actually happened with my pregnancy, but at the very end I was very tired and sore. Finally it culminated with me becoming very ill and finding myself in the hospital. My midwife informed me I was the talk of all the doctors. Sadly, because none of them knew what was wrong with me. So my midwife, the doctors that get all the special cases where no one knows what's wrong, and the OBGYNs all decided it would be in mine and my daughter's best interest if she came two weeks early. Her labor and delivery literally stretched my body to its limits. I'm 100% sure if I had needed to push for another five minutes, I could not have done it. I prayed so hard two and a half hours into pushing my baby out that she would be OK and that I would not need to be wheeled in for a c-sec. Luckily Dr. Carter came in and was able to help guide her out. She was finally out about three hours and fifteen minutes or so after I was finally complete. My body was so sore, so beat up. I made the mistake once of bringing in firewood a couple weeks after she was born. My poor body just clamped up and I was in so much pain. My husband had just started residency the day before and was at work, so he couldn't help me. I remember feeling like I was in labor all over again, it hurt so much. My body was also so incredibly swollen from all the water and medications they gave me intravenously. My husband thought it was kind of funny that I had pitting edema. I decided to lay off the salt some and that just made it worse. At least after I started drenching everything in salt it got better. I dropped 30 lbs in the first two weeks I was home. That felt great. But my body was still sore and my knees and feet hurt because I also ate a lot and sat around a lot while I was pregnant. Which also meant that I gained a lot. And of course it really isn't very good for you when you are short and pregnant to weigh 196 lbs. At least I came to find out very quickly that most of that extra was actually just water, because most of it was totally gone within two months and my body felt SO much better then. My sweet little daughter ate really well. My body kept her well fed and at every doctors appointment our doctor would ask if I was still just breastfeeding. She was so chunky and adorable :)

Right around my oldest's birthday I leaned that I was pregnant. I really wasn't surprised at all, I just knew from the very moment that I was carrying another little girl. Don't ask me how I knew, but I did. It was actually kind of hard to wait two weeks to take the test. Our little family went to the grocery store for the sole purpose of buying a pregnancy test, so there I was with a little baby in a carrier (OK so she wasn't quite little, she was a pretty big chunky barely one year old) and as soon as we got home I had confirmation. Then a couple weeks later the vomiting started. Every single night. So I took meds for it. At least the vomiting was only once at night when I took the meds. This did work to my advantage, as it continued for the next twenty weeks, so I didn't gain very much weight at all during my first two trimesters, so that was pretty OK with me.

I had this idea of what the perfect labor and delivery would look like going into my first daughter's birth. Obviously, her birth did not look anything like that at all. I wanted to labor with minimal interventions. Well, artificially ruptured waters, a pit drip, epidural and forceps delivery are hardly minimal when I was hoping to just have an IV for antibiotics every four hours. So I researched and then researched some more. I really really really wanted that minimal interventions delivery. And then I came across hypnobabies.

Hypnobabies has these affirmations sets that you listen to every day. For weeks. You start around 32 weeks, maybe even earlier. I think I started to listen to them around 30 weeks. One thing it told me every day was that my body was made to have babies. The other thing it told me was that my body was working perfectly. Even now I still repeat some of them to myself. Mostly one about how I am in tune with my body and I am in charge of my emotions. That one is very important when you are the mother to a very busy toddler.

I practiced, and I practiced, and I practiced. Finally after a very long bout of prodromal labor, which started at exactly 37 weeks and even included a trip to the hospital on my due date for some very regular contractions that a very rude nurse told me I was imagining, teased me until 40 weeks and 4 days, it was time. My daughter walked into our room at 6 in the morning to snuggle, and I felt a pop and ran to the bathroom. My mom rushed over to take care of my oldest and my husband got me to the hospital as quickly as he could. It was such an amazing experience, totally different from my first labor and delivery. I was in complete control. I felt great, I knew my body was doing exactly what it needed to do. And I just let it do what it needed to do. I didn't fight it, I wasn't scared, and I was so relaxed. I felt almost no pain. The only time anything hurt was when things suddenly went really quickly and I lost a little bit of my mental control. But my amazing husband was there with his hand on my hip, and my awesome nurse helped with her hand on my other hip as I sat in the bed and reguided all my mental power to my own anesthesia and once again embraced the pressure that I felt flowing through my body. And then I knew it was time for my daughter to come into the world. I didn't even have to think twice about what I needed to do. I was able to just push where I needed to and she slid right out. Her poor face was all bruised up though, because I was so relaxed and my body was so loose and stretchy my labor was about as long as the whole pushing phase was for my first baby. But there she was, so healthy and beautiful. We posted this picture on facebook later that morning, and someone commented that I didn't even look like I broke a sweat. I didn't say anything about it at the time, but I really honest didn't break a sweat at all.

I felt so amazing after her birth. My body was able to do exactly what it needed to do. I was able to walk as soon as my daughter was born. I didn't have any problems going to the bathroom (this was a very very big problem after daughter one was born for about three months after) and I didn't have a single sore muscle. I could lift her up no problem, carry wood in from outside, climb up and down the stairs. If it weren't for the jiggly stomach I wouldn't have even felt like I'd just given birth.

Something happened when my second was born too. The midwife that was with me when my oldest was born called it a beautiful birth. I didn't really find it to be this really beautiful thing at the time. But when my second was born it was so amazing and all the feelings in my body that I wasn't able to feel with my oldest was there. But I also felt acceptance about how my first labor and delivery went. It really was a very beautiful thing. I did the very very best that I could and I brought her into the world.

It's been hard for me to accept the changes that it's left on my body. I'm plagued with stretch marks and things are still flabby that weren't when I was at this point postpartum with my oldest. I'm still waiting for some aches and pains related to pregnancy to go away right now, seven months later. My body doesn't want to give up the 35 pounds that I gained this pregnancy, and when I finally got within 20 pounds of my prepregnancy weight decided to starve my little baby in the milk department instead. So I started drinking more water and eating more food to make sure that she was getting enough, and of course that weight I was working so hard to lose just came right back. But then I think how amazing that my body is giving her life every day. It carried these two precious girls for 38 weeks and 40 and a half weeks, and when they came into the world it kept carrying them and feeding them.

Now they are here for me to love and care for. My body is one of the most beautiful things in this world because it gives life and purpose to someone else. I looked at my daughter one day and realized that I live forever in her and she'll live forever in her children and in their children, that my mother lives forever in me, and my grandmother in her.

Some days I feel like I'm a complete failure as a parent. My baby fell off the bed for the first time the other day and I cried. My toddler drives my patience to the very brink often. Those times I have to remind myself that I'm doing the very best that I can. That other moms that I may have judged harshly before I had my own babies and could truly understand are doing the best that they can too. It's hard to be a mom, but it's the most beautiful thing I could ever do. Sometimes it's so hard to remember that with all the sacrifices I'm making now for these children, that it's somehow going to be worth it. They won't be little forever, but they'll be mine forever. And that's what makes me beautiful now.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Our May zoo trip

We went to the zoo just the other week- it was tons of fun! I was able to get so many amazing pictures. Here are just a few of them:

Friday, May 10, 2013

I Heart Faces Challenge- Play

Do you remember a little while back I had that post with darling daughter one jumping on the trampoline? There was a pic in there that I know is just perfect for this challenge.

But then I went looking through my photos and remembered that I have a ton from just last week that I haven't even made blog posts on thanks to this amazing homecation we've been taking and I decided this was the right picture. I have so many more amazing pics from last Sunday at this park too (and I haven't even done anything about the zoo trip yet, sigh...)

You can see more pictures from the challenge by following this link:

Photo Challenge Submission